Minions, Week 2
Looking at the Hippo Head from the top of Royal Arch. Photo cred: Tess Amer
“You’re just out here to have fun. Do whatever that feels like.” “Think about how much better you are feeling on the rocks than you were just a few weeks ago.” “Just keep moving.” “My worth is not determined by my speed.“ “Slow is smooth, smooth is fast. And safe. Safe is fast.”
I tell myself a variety of these mantras over and over as move up the rocks. My body hurts so bad I want to scream and cry to release the pain I feel. Yet at the same time I can’t get my body even close to moving in the high gear I know it’s capable of. I feel frustrated and betrayed and wonder why it needs so much rest. Why I can’t overcome it by sheer will.
Finally, after what feels like the battle of the century, I make it back to the finish line. The beers are gone, and folks are starting to disperse. I feel immense relief that I am finished. Someone jokes about the crazy tired look in my eyes - I laugh because I can feel it too. I walk away, exhausted, wondering if I had fun. Wondering if what I put myself through was worth it. Wondering if I want to be here.
It’s not about the physical hurt - I’m no stranger to that. I know that’s what I signed up for here.
It’s the less tangible things going on in my mind, and I wonder, as I walk away, back to my truck, if that’s what is exhausting me. Because if there’s one thing I believe, it’s that mental/emotional stuff absolutely affects physical performance and recovery.
There’s self doubt of ‘not being good enough’ to be in the group. Not being as good as I was, washed up so to say. There’s intimidation. There’s a lack of feeling of belonging. There’s a weird feeling of paranoia that everyone thinks I’m a joke. A feeling of pressure to perform to show the group the girls can keep up, too. That we belong here. That my slow performance shows we just don’t. But if we belong, why does it seem like such a fight? If we belong, where are all the other girls then? Boulder doesn’t have a shortage of fit, badass girls who could be a part of this.
I wonder if I was at least middle of the pack if I’d still be having all these thoughts, or if then I would be accepted as ‘good enough.’ If then, people would find me more interesting and acceptable. I wonder how much is my projection of how I feel about being the caboose versus the actual reality of the situation. My best answer is all are factors.
The thoughts have been haunting me daily for two weeks now. I ask a friend for advice. “It’s not intentional, you know. They just get excited about their conversations and the excitement fuels their pace and they definitely don’t mean to drop you.” My friend is a dude, but can definitely relate at least to the pacing concerns. I know my friend is right. It’s not intentional, and it’s not about me. Almost none of it is intentional, and none of it is meant to make me feel bad. In fact, no one is directly thinking about how any of this is going to affect me either negatively or positively - I am a very small factor in this larger puzzle. While the perspective makes the situation feel less ‘bad,’ in my gut it still doesn’t feel good, just impersonal. I’ve been spending a lot of time with this cohort, and I’m not sure impersonal is how I want to spend my time feeling.
The group feels a little sexist, but it’s not intentional, everyone is well-meaning but used to their ways. I got dropped on the preview, but that wasn’t intentional either. I missed the group photo because I was slow, but that wasn’t intentional - honestly, no one thought about it. None of it is personal, or meant to make me feel I don’t belong. But it’s exhausting to constantly have to remind myself of that. At some point, it’s not enough to not intend to be exclusive. Actions speak very loudly. Constantly having to remind myself that it’s not intentional just isn’t…fun. I suspect inclusivity should feel more natural.
I think about my best days scrambling, and they aren’t the ones where I’ve had to battle to keep up. They were the ones where I had quality time and conversation with my friends on the rocks. There wasn’t an urgent worry about pace, and we were actively making sure we stayed together because it was important. Intentionally is important, and that’s been missing for me lately. Maybe the average dude mind just works different and they don’t need that.
The only other girl participating posts a picture of the group and the caption ‘squad goals’. Except the whole group wasn’t there - it was taken while I was still running. My heart drops, and all the feelings of not being good enough come raging back. I want to be part of the squad, too. I remind myself this isn’t personal and it’s not about me.
But in the back of my mind, a feeling of heaviness persists. I can’t stop wondering if I want to belong here. If it is possible for this to be a happy and positive space for me. If it is my own negative thoughts holding me back from being a true part of the community, or if the values are different than mine and that’s why I’ve been feeling so tired and out of alignment with all these thoughts.
If nothing else, I know I’ll learn a lot from these triggers and feel excited about that. Until next week…
